wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all
roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his
face until he backs
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them
big claws, and
throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him
until he backs
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it
in two? What you
gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage,
and I throw it in his
eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you
gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the
chair out of the cage,
and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be
some shit on the
bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and
asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or
maybe one like that cute wittle bwown
wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice: "I don't
fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The Hunting Dog
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my
dog out to see if
there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there,
I'm not going
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, "Well
I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl
doesn't believe it, so
he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe
it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want,
you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with
a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a
fraud. I want my
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he
sent the dog out to
look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are
more fucking ducks
out there than you can shake a stick at!"
The Slow Racehorse
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
Goodbye To Mother
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up,
cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They
don't want the cat
shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
upstairs to chase
the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to
the taxi driver "He's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long"
he says, "Stupid
old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat
hanger to get her to come out!"
Got a headache
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the
zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla
cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why
don't you take your
blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off
her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your
clothes and we'll see
what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars,
did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the
husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
Jesus and the Robber
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is
watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the
parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you
Cock A Doodly Doo!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which
he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll
chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be
worth it. So, he
buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk,
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
service here, and you cost me a lot of
money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and
Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the
farmer is really
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough,
Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The
distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find
Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and
buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
At The Circus
A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants
appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.
"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the
elephant's legs?" asked the
Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to
get some hot dogs
While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy,
what's that long
thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.
"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.
Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom
why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes
will help you to stay
on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got
these great long
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the
Mom" replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there
to help us store
water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking
for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.
But Mom", "Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir,
what is that on your
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go,
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the
theater. Not even a pet
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his
pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer
un-zipped his pants so
Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and
shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to
the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes
the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten
dollar bill. So the
butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places
it in the dog's
mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a
crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing
Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do,
and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then
comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and
sits on one of the
seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front
of the bus, looks at
the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog
goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.
The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus
travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the
button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth,
and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself
-whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself
-whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps
up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets
to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back,
jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into
the dog, really
yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This
dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this
week he's forgotten his key!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just
a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that
they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy
it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the
news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister
telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our
pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents
a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette
realizes that she'll
only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send
her the word,
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out
here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
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